Chris Lampley
Why Being Totally Messed Up is a Great Thing
Basically I was used to going through life succeeding on my own terms. I always graduated at the top of the class from high school through graduate school, and I defined myself by my accomplishments. I had a plan for my life, and I was going to make sure that it happened on my time table. That included getting married when I was 26. I developed a tremendous amount of pride in myself and what I could do, and I was determined to be the best at whatever I pursued. But in spite of my successes I was really very unhappy. I became too focused on achievement to the exclusion of relationships. I also was "accused" of being perfect, which led to breakdowns in the few relationships that I had. I constantly faced anxiety, insecurity, and worry - not to mention depression and struggles with eating disorders.
About four months ago my life fell apart when I filed for divorce. I was suddenly faced with the reality that everything that I had worked for and valued was gone, and that I needed to start my life over. Thanks to the help of some really great friends, I got connected in a support group and faced the reality of my situation. I was like the foolish man that built his house upon the sand. But by the grace of God, I had been given a second chance at life - a chance to life for God rather than in spite of Him. I had to get to a place where I could admit to God (and a lot of other people) that I do not have my life all together. The amazing thing is that by not having my life together, by being totally messed up, I am able to allow God to enter my heart. He daily showers me with grace, love, truth, and forgiveness. He has also taught me that it's okay to need other people, and he has brought people into my life that further demonstrate God's grace to me.
It seems so strange, but I am in many ways happier now than I have ever been in my life. I still face incredible struggles (and I still have my moments of crying on the floor), but everything is different now. For the first time in my life I feel truly loved and accepted just as I am - when I have nothing earthly to show for myself. I feel as if God reached down and plucked me out of the life I was living in order to do something and be someone so much greater in service to Him. I still have a lot of anxieties, fears, and worries, but they are so much less now. All I do is talk to God and tell him how I feel and that I don't want to feel that way or be driven by things of this world. In many ways I wish that I did not have to experience many of the struggles that I have faced, and currently face. But I also realize that I could not be at the place I am now if I was not totally messed up. I am learning that it's when we are at our worst that God is at his best. I encourage everyone to own up to the messy areas of their lives in order to experience the incredible power of God's grace.