Kayli Turner

Ever since I was a little kid, I struggled with accepting grace and forgiveness, whether from a parent, a teacher, or a friend, and when I became a Christian at 18, that same struggle was carried into my relationship with God. It had always seemed easy to see others' sins as totally covered by Christ's blood, but as I looked at my own, I just cringed and felt that kind of complete and unearned grace could not possibly apply to me. Outwardly, I'm sure I seemed fine and even pretty pulled together, but inwardly, in the places that are even hard for me to see, I was being eaten up with shame, guilt, and hurt - and fear of all these coming to the surface and having to be dealt with.

However, I can say with full assurance and abundant gratitude that God has changed my heart so much in the past year. He has "sqeezed my hand" so many times and with limitless creativity has shown me how near He really is and always has been. It was in Belize last spring break, during our trip with Trinity Chapel, that God very clearly showed me the error in my attitude toward His grace. As we spent time talking with men and women from a support group within the prison, God made it very clear to me: they were in prison, but they were Free. I was free, but I was imprisoned by my own guilt and shame. God had cleansed them and healed them, and in His grace, He had made a place for each of them there as they spent everday sharing the gospel with other inmates. God's faithfulness and complete redemption was evident here and He used it to speak to me in a profound way. Before we left Belize, God moved me to realize, and share with the group, that I wanted to join a Celebrate Recovery group upon returning home and face the things I'd been avoiding for years. As God allowed me to face my own shame and hurt, I began to believe that I really was forgiven, although I still struggled with believing that I could ever be completely redeemed and restored. In His perfect timing, God showed me something very unexpected through my job. This is my second year to teach 8th graders, and this year I have been blessed with three very special young ladies who all needed to hear about Jesus and understand what He lived and died for. Each of these girls have dealt with guilt, shame, and hurt, mostly in silence, for years. God has really amazed me in this situation. He has used the painful experiences and past sins in my own life as a common ground with the girls, and an instrument through which He has enabled them to hear and know God's real love, forgiveness, and complete redemption. In these God-given moments of teaching my girls about God's grace, I suddenly realized that I was the student and God was teaching me His complete love and grace in a new and very real way. Through this, He also put an end to what I had always doubted as he affirmed that He can, is, and has always intended to use even me, and even my past, to bless others for His good purposes. Over the course of the past year, I have experienced the nearness of God in a completely new way. He has whispered to my heart that He loves me - not because I earned it, or because I'm without stain, or because I felt bad enough about my mistakes - but because I'm HIS. It's so beautifully simple though I spent so much time attempting to complicate it. I'm so grateful I'm His and that we have a Father that is gracious, and loving, and always draws near and comes after us right where we are.